he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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