You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So much Jack, so little girl.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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