I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize