Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
