so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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