Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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