i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
COCAINE IS GR8
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
