I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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