You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
