Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My breasts were aching with rage.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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