I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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