My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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