Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
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