I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
