tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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