Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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