my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It's blow job season.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize