Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize