Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
