So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
