Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
