My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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