i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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