she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
