I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
we're making bets on your personal life
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
