wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
