Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
