I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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