I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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