he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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