A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
