I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
