All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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