YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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