When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
