I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
