Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize