Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Welp...herpes.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
