I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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