We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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