dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
