Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
