Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
