Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
