Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
