New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
