Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
