if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
