when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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