omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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