Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
