You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize