I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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