At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize