i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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