Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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